Changing direction.

I started video taping everything. I'm that girl that has a video camera attached to her hand at all times now. I don't know what I'm going to do with any of it yet, but it will be nice to have.
I decided to change the direction I was going in with modeling. My ultimate goal is to sign with an agency. I have a top agency in Dallas I am aiming for, so I am going to hit the breaks a little and slow down with the casting calls. I am practicing facial expressions and posing in the mirror every day and working out. I need to exercise more, but I have been working a lot lately. I am a host at Texas Roadhouse now as of three weeks ago. I am really enjoying it, and work with a lot of my friends. It is just time consuming.
I really want to focus more of my time and energy on Burlesque. Dallas has a fantastic burlesque scene, and I sincerely think it is extrememly up and coming. There is a famous burlesque dancer named Ginger Valentine that I am really dying to meet. I have seen a lot of her performances on Youtube, and love her style. I am hoping to start taking dance classes at her studio within the next two weeks or so to get a better feel of the industry and dance techniques. Next I will need to choregraph a skit/show/dance and go from there. I need to come up with a stage name as well. I always thought it would be "Belle Bombshell" because Belle from Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney princess, and Bombshell just flowed well with it and rhymed. But now I'm leaning a little toward "Carmen" because of a new Lana Del Rey song I have just discovered that I am in love with (which is the way it goes with every song of hers I hear). I'm thinking maybe "Carmen Rose"? I definitely need a cute, semi-witty last name for Carmen. I want to go to more Burlesque shows at local venues too so that I can see everyone's unique style and hopefully find my own. I am so excited that I can barely stand it! There are also a lot of modeling opportunities attached with Burlesque, and cool pin up ventures I could dip into.
I also found a nice lad to write music for my songs!! I met him last week at an open mic through a mutual friend and we are both into indie-type stuff and he can play and sing really well, but just has trouble writing. Perfect match. We are planning to get together later this week and start collaborating. I can't wait to just dive head first and start doing shows and open mics, but I know there is a long process ahead of me and I have to take baby steps on this brand new journey. I am still elated nonetheless.
I needed some bikini pictures to show my body for some promotional work, and my best friend Cole (who is the absolute best friend in the world, by the way) volunteered to be my photographer and we got a few good ones. (:

"She says you don't want to be like me; looking for fun, getting high for free. I'm dying, I'm dying.
She says you don't want to get this way; street walk at night, and a star by day. It's tiring."

I need your sway.

I have been trying to do so many things at once and quickly, that I can't even think straight lately. I got too excited, and overzealous. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but it's also not a bad way to drive yourself insane. I figure that I ought to slow down and focus at one thing at a time. This getting famous thing is quite the process and I feel like I should master one thing before moving forward with another. So for the time being, I am going to put all of my energy and attention into modeling. Baby steps. I spoke to a gentleman in New York on the phone for thirty minutes today about his vision of revamping the Dallas fashion scene. He thinks it has gone into a coma. He is going to do competitions and fashion shows in May and is interested in working with me. This phone call was encouraging, but really all I've been doing the past month is talking to people like this then playing the waiting game. I will believe it when I see it. That is the only attitude I can afford right now, because I don't want to get my hopes up. Fair enough, wouldn't you say?
The only concrete event that I have done for experience is the lingerie fashion show. I saw all of the pictures a few days ago and was absolutely blown away. They look so good! I put in an order to have thirty pictures of myself from the show printed and could not be more excited to get them. I am going to add a few to my portfolio, and they are an excellent start.

"He doesn't mind I have flat, broke down life. In fact, he says he thinks it's what he might like about me. Admires me, the way I roll like a rolling stone."

Plans and Making Sense.

I have been going to the same quote site to read the "quote of the day" every day since I was thirteen years old. www.Holliesquotes.com is a wonderfully inspirational site full of quotes from authors, books, songs, and popular t.v. shows. I really love it.

I was reading quotes about life and it's lessons and I left the page with my head spinning. I realized today that I do not know what I want out of life. Not in a practical sort of way, at least. I want peace, and of course love as well as things like a magazine cover or talk show. But as for a real life career like teaching or other average goals like buying a house in two years? No, none.
The trouble with me is there are so many things that make me happy. If one of my biggest issues is that I am too easily pleased well then my god, I think I am pretty well off already.
I don't have roots yet. I know where I am from, and have both love and pride for my small hometown. But that is not who I am. I am a wanderer. A gypsy.
I would be content in L.A. pursuing acting and living in a loft, or performing on the strip in Vegas and staying alone in a tiny apartment surrounded by glitz and glamour (and trash), in a beach house by the sea in Cape Cod, or married in Michigan nannying or something. Who knows man. I just want to keep moving.
As high as I am in the clouds, I still think I should be atleast somewhat realistic and logical about my future that is just around the corner. Time is flying by so fast lately. Too fast. I'm concerned that before I am able to do everything I want to do, the opportunity will have passed. It is terrifying sometimes.
First thing I need to do is to figure out what it is that I want. What a general way of thinking...what you want. I almost resent it. I have never been able to wrap my head around the measure of success. People are so strange to me.
Okay, I want to model. What kind of modeling? Well, I am 5 foot 5 inches so runway is out of the question, professionally speaking. I want to do commerical and print work for like catalogs and such. I would also really like to get involved in promotional modeling and marketing. I feel like there is a lot of opportunities to advance and branch off of doing promo work.
I want to do acting. I would like to do indie films and t.v. shows, but I have to be honest when I say it is not what I am most passionate about. That is not to say that it is not something I deeply and strongly want to do. My heart is just in pictures. I want to create pretty pictures that inspire and intrigue people.
I want to keep writing. I might have mentioned before that I write song lyrics, and poems. I really would like to get some music to my lyrics and consult a voice coach to help me control my vocals. I would rather sell my songs than perform them. But it is definitely a journey I would like to embark on. I want to keep writing poetry as well and perform in showcases and poetry slams. I feel like I could possibly publish a collection of my poems one day. Again, I want to express my experiences and emotions in a way that another individual can connect with and hopefully be comforted or inspired by the realization that they are not alone. That is what I get from quotes all of the time, the reassurance that someone knows what I am feeling, and maybe have figured it out. It gives me hope that I will too.
" Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score; you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been justas troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry. "
- J.D. SALINGER

Next, I need to figure out where I want to drop anchor (for the time being, at least). This I cannot do with free writing. I will have to really put some thought to it.
I will get wherever it is I need to be. And I really believe that.



"When I see you again, I won't be bitter. You are so far to blame, you are a part of this change. I am so much of you, I won't ever be the same."

There are the ones that entertain, and the ones that observe.

I was in my first fashion show on Thursday, and it was one of the best times I have ever had! It was exhilarating. Absolutely incredible. I went first and was terrified but pretended like I had rocked the cat walk one million times before. It's strange, but true when people tell you that when you do a runway show you don't even see the people because the lights are so bright and your nerves somewhat take over. The only thing I kept thinking was, "foot forward..look straight..pose, pose, pose..slow down..foot forward." There were five other girls in the show, and they were all very cool. We were in a lounge, and there was a DJ and entertainment, all to benefit the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I feel so very fortunate to have been a part of something so wonderful. The boutique owner (did I mention it was a lingerie show?) and photographer who set the event up were awesome and I am also glad to have met and worked with them. I feel like any time genuine people come together to form something much bigger than themselves then it is impossible for them not be a force to be reckoned with. When the fashion show was over, all of the models went back on the stage/runway to dance with the entertainer who was singing to close the event. I have to admit it felt really good. I imagine that feeling is the raw meaning of fierce. That kind of confidence cannot be created by yourself. It is a rush, a sensation, and in some twisted way, a validation. It is magic.
I want nothing more from this life than for every girl and woman to feel that.
Afterwards, I was mingling with the crowd and taking pictures when a man approached me and asked me if I had ever considered getting into Burlesque. I told him how much I had been thinking about doing it, and how it is a goal of mine. He told me that he knew every big Burlesque dancer in Dallas, and that I was a natural. It was one of the biggest compliments to me that I have ever received. Magic.

The fashion show inspired me to look more into making the best portfolio I could possibly make. We had our hair and make up professionally done, and it looked absolutely amazing. I really liked the people who did it, and am seriously considering going to their salon to have them make me up for my pictures. They gave me a Breakfast at Tiffany's-inspired up-do because they said my bangs reminded them of Audrey Hepburn. As soon as I receive copies of all of the pictures, I will post them.

I ran across a photographer on the internet names Joe Edelman and he is phenomenal at providing excellent knowledge and helpful tips/tools for both aspiring models and photographers. I saw his website first, and it was love at first sight.
I then discovered his extremely helpful videos on Youtube, and thought that my two favorite were more than worth passing along.

The Dallas International Film Festival started this weekend and will last through the 22nd. I signed up to volunteer, and really hope they call me because I feel like it would be a great opportunity to meet people and be a part of the film world even in a small way. Cross your fingers.


"I don't know but I've been told you never slow down, you never grow old."

It's hard to dance with a devil on your back.

I really like cats. Particularly male cats. They are funny, witty, and full of personality. I don't know about you, but those are the best traits for a best friend to have. I had a black cat named Capurnakis who was absolutely brilliant. We were very close for two years and then when I moved back home last year, he got out and ran off. Living in an apartment his whole life, I can imagine that his tom cat instincts kicked in when he saw the wide open country outside of the window he sat in front of every day. I suspect he was a wanderer at heart like myself, so I cannot blaim him but I miss him every day.

I started staying with my then boyfriend about eight months ago and absolutely fell in love with his cat he had named Rick James. Clever, right? We would call the neighbor's orange cat Charlie Murphy when he would come into the yard. My ex is a pretty brilliant guy himself. Rick James was incredibly interesting and affectionate so I enjoyed spending time with him when we were alone at home. Yes, this crazy cat spill has a point, and I hate to say that Rick James is assumed dead since he has not been home in almost two weeks. My ex has quite the conspiracy theory about it and claims he believes a neighbor poisoned him. I have not been there in two months, so I couldn't say.
But I am very devasted by this unfortunate news and felt like it was worth sharing on his behalf.
If you are in fact dead, rest in peace beautiful cat.

On a fairly brighter note, I have recently just discovered poetry slams and showcases. I have been writing poetry and song lyrics since I was in junior high school, but have never thought about doing anything about it except typing them and adding every one to my very informal notebook of writing I've collected over the past almost ten years. I was thinking about going to an open mic night type poetry reading and youtubed a few and just like that, I stumbled upon the magically haunting world of spoken poetry. I had claimed to have been drunk off of words before, but after seeing a few of these I realized I had seriously been mistaken. What these people do is simply pure art in motion. I desperately want to become a part of it, but I want to practice and take my time submerging myself into this lovely but very unfamiliar world.
This is one of my very favorites I have seen, and Jasmine Mans is full of passion and every one of her videos are worth watching. I have also grown quite fond of Alysia Harris.

I am unbelievably moved and inspired at this point. It is almost overwhelming. Everything ahead of me looks so bright and appealing. It has been hard lately to keep my feet on the ground.


"When I grow up, I want to live near the sea. Crab claws, and bottles of rum...that's what I'll have."

I don't know how people find the time to blog every single day and still have interesting things to write about.
It's true that the good girls keep diaries, because the bad girls never have the time. I certainly don't.
My friend and I had a very creative, artsy photo shoot last Friday night and it was such a blast. I'm so thankful we actually did it, because it there a lot to a shoot that I forget to think about such as angles and posing. Posing is one of the hardest things for me to nail here lately because it is just something I have never really done before. I've been practicing in front of the mirror, and believe it or not it has done wonders.
I just let Aelias take the lead on this one, and I was stunned and fascinated by his ideas. He is such an artist with an abstract way of thinking and it definitely added some super cool elements to the pictures.

Hopefully our next shoot will be my portfolio pictures. I have been consumed with what I want to wear in the pictures for my portfolio, and the story I want to create with them. As a model you just cannot find work without a well put together book, and I am going to give it everything that I've got to make it as special and professional as possible. I want to be exceptional. I want to stand out.

I was contacted by a scouting agency called One Source Talent, and was supposed to interview with their talent agency on Saturday. I drove an hour to their office just to have google maps completely turn me around and I got lost as hell. The woman who scheduled my interview made it very clear that being on time was priority and that if I was just a minute late then I would be turned away. I gave myself plenty of time with traffic and to find the place, and after going in circles for thirty minutes when I had already reached the general area, I would have been late and gave up.
I went straight from Irving to my Real World audition, and my mouth dropped when I saw how many people were auditioning. I walked in with my VIP pass, and still waited for an hour and a half before my interview. I sat at a table with a guy and a chick to fill out my questionaire and we chatted while we waited and I was glad to have met them. I just love talking to people. Everyone has so much to offer, even if it is just one, hour-long conversation. We were placed in groups of 7 or 8 and when it was our time to interview, we sat at a table with one of the producers or directors. She collected our papers and then when she called our names we were instructed to state our name, age, where we were from, and one thing people don't really know about us.
Turns out, I might not be quite as interesting as I thought. In my group alone there was a transexual man transitioning into a woman who did drag in Dallas, a guy whose mother overdosed on cocaine, a girl who had been completely on her own since she was 16 years old, and the blonde amateur fighter on the MTV show Caged.
Then there is me, the girl from one of the smallest, unknown towns in the world with a population of 2,000 who has never lived outside of North Texas, has both parents who are married, youngest of four, wannabe actress and model who is just starting out. I have no deep dark secrets, just a lot of heart. When it was my turn, I said that I wrote song lyrics and that since I'm not really a musician not many people knew about it. But that isn't even entirely true. All of my close friends know about songs, and some of them even know a few by heart. That was it. She thanked us and we were excused with the hope that they would call us within 48 hours to let us know if we had made it through.
I'm an open book. The only mystery to me is my bizarre perspectives and thought process. But no one can open that door unless they have a relatively profound conversation with me. It is a new thing I learned about myself that day, and I would like to attempt to find a way to use that to my advantage and "sell" myself with it. I didn't get a call back to go to the second round of auditions, but it was a provoking experience nonetheless.


"Be steady on your feet, no matter the trouble you meet. Lions make you brave, giants give you faith, death is a charade. You don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid."

The question is, was I more alive then than I am now?

I had the busiest day today. I had my dance audition at Winstons Supperclub and let me tell you, it was nothing at all like I anticipated. I was told I was going to freestyle so I cleverly created a sequence of "random" dance moves and memorized them. I showed three of my good friends before I went to make sure I didn't look ridiculous, and they all agreed it was good. I met the girl who called me in in the parking garage with my confidence soaring. We walked into the club, and it was like a dream. The decor was crazy colors and for a club it seemed like a very small space and right in front of an open floor was a long, large BOX. The dancers danced in a box. Whattt? Not what I had in mind, okay. I proceeded anyway. The space was much too confined to do my routine I had planned, so I just old-fashioned played it by ear. In all honestly, I feel like I killed it. But I wasn't offered a spot right away, instead I was told I would be called back. Never the best sign. But I suppose we will see.
Next on my agenda was an interview for a company that sells exclusive salon packaged-memberships that are in need of promotional models. If I could snag a promotional model gig then I would be elated. It is a lot harder than I expected, due to my lack of professional experience. Oh, the timeless paradox of not being able to find work without experience yet not being able to gain experience without working.
Entertainment industry, I will solve this riddle and beat you. I will.
Back to the promotional job, you are to sell these packages at events and colleges, ect. You are awarded 30 dollars per package you sell and must work in a team of about 4 or 5 girls from 8AM-5PM on Monday through Friday. I was offered a spot and as excited as I was initially, I feel like with the drive and time just would not be worth it to not be guaranteed I will sell these packages. On the bright side to not accepting that job, I was emailed today about interviewing next Monday with a production company that does live infomercials. I WANT IT SO BAD. Eeeek. Wish me luck. (:
So, I have this friend, Aelias, that goes to the Art Institutes and my god he is brilliant. The best part about it is I don't think he knows he is. He dabbles in everything. Painting, sketching, dancing, photography, and is studying to be a graphic designer. And he is so good at it all! The first time I met him was when I saw him dance at this lounge in Dallas. I've never seen something more dope in my life, and I mean that. I feel like a little girl gushing like this. Anyway, since he is an aspiring photographer and I just so happen to be into modeling, we decided to collaborate soon and we have some really exciting ideas. He is going to paint me for one shoot, and we have a whole pin-up spill in the works which I am just unbelievably eager to do. I can't wait to see what we create.




"I'm a ride or die, whether you fail or fly. Shit, at least you tried."