Thursday, April 19, 2012

Plans and Making Sense.

I have been going to the same quote site to read the "quote of the day" every day since I was thirteen years old. is a wonderfully inspirational site full of quotes from authors, books, songs, and popular t.v. shows. I really love it.

I was reading quotes about life and it's lessons and I left the page with my head spinning. I realized today that I do not know what I want out of life. Not in a practical sort of way, at least. I want peace, and of course love as well as things like a magazine cover or talk show. But as for a real life career like teaching or other average goals like buying a house in two years? No, none.
The trouble with me is there are so many things that make me happy. If one of my biggest issues is that I am too easily pleased well then my god, I think I am pretty well off already.
I don't have roots yet. I know where I am from, and have both love and pride for my small hometown. But that is not who I am. I am a wanderer. A gypsy.
I would be content in L.A. pursuing acting and living in a loft, or performing on the strip in Vegas and staying alone in a tiny apartment surrounded by glitz and glamour (and trash), in a beach house by the sea in Cape Cod, or married in Michigan nannying or something. Who knows man. I just want to keep moving.
As high as I am in the clouds, I still think I should be atleast somewhat realistic and logical about my future that is just around the corner. Time is flying by so fast lately. Too fast. I'm concerned that before I am able to do everything I want to do, the opportunity will have passed. It is terrifying sometimes.
First thing I need to do is to figure out what it is that I want. What a general way of thinking...what you want. I almost resent it. I have never been able to wrap my head around the measure of success. People are so strange to me.
Okay, I want to model. What kind of modeling? Well, I am 5 foot 5 inches so runway is out of the question, professionally speaking. I want to do commerical and print work for like catalogs and such. I would also really like to get involved in promotional modeling and marketing. I feel like there is a lot of opportunities to advance and branch off of doing promo work.
I want to do acting. I would like to do indie films and t.v. shows, but I have to be honest when I say it is not what I am most passionate about. That is not to say that it is not something I deeply and strongly want to do. My heart is just in pictures. I want to create pretty pictures that inspire and intrigue people.
I want to keep writing. I might have mentioned before that I write song lyrics, and poems. I really would like to get some music to my lyrics and consult a voice coach to help me control my vocals. I would rather sell my songs than perform them. But it is definitely a journey I would like to embark on. I want to keep writing poetry as well and perform in showcases and poetry slams. I feel like I could possibly publish a collection of my poems one day. Again, I want to express my experiences and emotions in a way that another individual can connect with and hopefully be comforted or inspired by the realization that they are not alone. That is what I get from quotes all of the time, the reassurance that someone knows what I am feeling, and maybe have figured it out. It gives me hope that I will too.
" Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score; you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been justas troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry. "

Next, I need to figure out where I want to drop anchor (for the time being, at least). This I cannot do with free writing. I will have to really put some thought to it.
I will get wherever it is I need to be. And I really believe that.

"When I see you again, I won't be bitter. You are so far to blame, you are a part of this change. I am so much of you, I won't ever be the same."

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